A Hard Boss to Defeat My Bad Self Loathing Habit

 

Hey there
Still alive
still trying to heal I guess its been hard I will admit but I'm getting there 
although a recent psychologist appointment as painful and shitty as I felt to the point of crying really made me realise how bad my self loathing really is calling myself selfish, foolish and spoiled and how I have to be so mean to myself and so cruel the same way dad was when I was a kid or when teachers in primary school or high school were or ex friends were to me so I can improve and change its not working clearly and obviously being yelled at especially at myself isn't causing me to improve at all if anything it just makes me scared or put unesscary pressure on myself just cause others were cruel to me and emotionally abusive doesn't mean I have to myself I can't keep doing that 
but it will be hard to change that I will admit but I have been trying a little bit such as not calling myself stupid when messing up in Split Fiction with a friend (fun game btw)

or trying hard not to call myself selfish, foolish, spoiled, stupid, shitty, dumb or other mean and harsh words 

My mum showed me this article by Paul Korebitz and it really helped me understand why beating myself up is not very effective and how all it does is cause damnage to myself and my mental health 
Article link below here 
https://koerbitz.me/posts/dont-beat-yourself-up.html

As hurt as I still am I got to keep going and I got to keep fighting and if the world chooses to become my enemy just for standing for trans rights so be it I guess 
just wish things would just stop hurting... 

anyway I am doing whatever I can to distract myself 
visiting my friend on the weekend was great and we got to play Split Fiction

 which I had a lot of fun with I played it before with other friends at my place but I had more trouble with it and even moments of rage quitting, meanwhile with my friend at their place I had a more fun time with and we had better teamwork skills found the game to be really enjoyable and really creative especially on the multiplayer aspect of things, Zoe and Mio are both great characters too and how their friendship developed was written good 
so that was a well needed fun gaming time with a good friend 
makes me wanna try it takes two and a way out when I get the chance 

Today I also managed to over 6000 steps of walking with my support worker out at Edgars Creek which as a nice lovely walk out in nature 
as much as I love the city in Melbourne its nice to have a break out in the nature side of things as well 

heres me attempting to take a cute image of a bird lol 

so yeah I'm trying to recover 
and hope to love myself and care for myself more 
I use to be scared of wanting to do that more cause I was scared it would make me an egocentric asshole who doesn't care for others and only myself 
but there is ways to acknowledge my mistakes that doesn't involve me screaming and yelling at myself or saying awful things at myself 
just cause others yelled at me and were cruel to me in the past 
doesn't mean I have to be at myself 

its not gonna be easy and maybe I'll relapse but as long as I try thats all that matters 
all I can do is try and trying is all that matters 

thats all for now later my dudes