My Transgender Journey

As I mentioned in my top surgery blog

I was going to write a separate blog about my journey on being a transgender male 

And why it took so long 

Honsently this will be pretty hard to write for me and emotionally intense at times 

And somethings mentioned in this I know some people aren't gonna like me mentioning but it's my story

It's my journey 

And I'm not mentioning names but I am allowed to still express any sadness or pain certian things have caused me please understand and respect this I won't mention names like I said

But please don't silence me 

Content warning for the following things 

Mentions of transphobia and uncomfortable sexual stuff 

Mentions of periods 

Gender dysphoria 

Stuff from the "SJW" days 

And other maybe dark stuff 

With that out of the way

Let's begin my story 

The tv glows only a little bit in my childhood tuning in and out at times 

While I grew up being assigned female at birth

And grew up "female" 

Even as a child

I think i knew deep down

I wasn't like other girls 

Especially  because of me being autistic 

I remember one day in primary school I dressed up as Peter pan for book day 

And felt very comfortable and had a lot of fun being the boy who never grew up 

And loved peter pan a lot when I was a child and how fun neverland was 

Unlike my sister and my mum

Some things I enjoyed I knew were more for boys but I was drawn to that stuff anyways such as Pokemon

Yugioh 

Digimon 

Action Man of all things 

And enjoyed the shooter games one of my mums ex partners showed me such as unreal tournament or serious sam

I didn't care whether things were just for girls or just for boys

I just enjoyed them because well they were fun 

Gender roles was never something I cared about let alone wanted to care about as a kid

I was even called a tomboy at times

Even in high school 

In 2007 when i was 11 years old I remember wanting my first username online to be "hypershadowloverboy666" at the time it was me expressing my love for my "lover boy" shadow the hedgehog my mum obviously didn't approve of the username for obvious reasons but while I didn't know at the time

Looking back its really funny to think about 

I still remember the time I got my first period when I was at a mcdonalds 

And freaked out scared 

And shocked thinking something was wrong with me 

Or I felt unwell

I knew what periods were i think but I was shocked when it happened the first time and I remember feeling scared and sick

Overtime as I got older and got more in my teen years

I lotathed periods

I hated then pain they caused me and bad mood swings

I hated the bullying it caused me online being called "hyperiod" (cause of my name being hypershadow512 at the time) 

And i hated all the trouble they cause to me and my body

And for what??

So I can have children??

I never wanted kids

And i still don't

And to those who said when I was younger I would change my mind

Your wrong

Your stupid

And your fucking sus and weird 

Give me 200 bucks

Okay the money bit was a joke but anyway...

Puberty and my teen years while it had its good moments obviously and I was really called a tomboy a lot more

There was also some aspects in my teens that made uncomfortable

For one the way cis men were going monkey mode over me falling in love with me and wanting to either date me or do stuff with me

Back then I said I was taken with shadow the hedgehog cause of my own delusions and being caught up in my own imagination at the same I felt it did me a favour to be away from people being creepy 

Even when I was dating people online

 Both people in real life and especially online 

Kept going monkey mode going go go gaga like I was some "man magnet" and it made me felt sick to my stomach even now thinking about it as a trans male

It still feels wrong and uncomfortable 

And extremely triggering especially the pressure a love triangle I ended up in and the truama it caused me 

I felt like people didn't just want to be my friend

They wanted something out of me

They wanted a relationship or more out of me and it didn't feel right

I get it puberty does things to guys too back in their teen years still but still..... it still felt awful and depressing and its one thing that still fucks me up to this day 

I especially hated the pressure from both people online and irl that I had to be this perfect little girl doll who had to do the right thing all the time

It was so exhausting

I will say 

It did felt nice having some cis male friends who did just see me as me and it felt like I was one of the guys just like them at times even though I was AFAB

Even now it still feels nice and euphoric 

Another tv glowing moment for me was dressing as Jack Frost from Rise Of the Gaurdians  

And as my character Dave from an old story I wrote years ago that I never finished 

Dressing as Dave especially was a lot of fun and even had Paul my mums partner or I guess these days step dad 

Help me with the photos on the old skate park in my hometown 

Being Dave especially felt like I was someone I wish I could be 

A cool dude

Indie music type guy

Hopeless romantic I'll get back to that later 

Now honsently my exposure to trans people wasn't a lot due to growing up in a small rural town

Although a cleaner my mum once had was a trans women and my mum even showed me a DVD about what being transgender is

Honsently i didn't think much about it

I wasn't against it though I just didn't see an issue or anything I'm not sure

I was very clearly naive and still had a long way to go to process that topic 

We now go to 2015

When tv started really glowing I was 19 years old 

I left tafe after how awful and shitty it was 

I was slowly getting into my activism and understanding my political beliefs better and especially about LGBT stuff 

I was in my first irl relationship with someone which didn't work out in the end a few years later and probs for the best but at least we became friends again and still good friends to this day 

I was starting to learn about genderfluid and non-binary stuff especially from someone I met at SYN radio when I was doing media work with disability media Australia 

And I thought it sounded like a cool conpect 

Being neither a girl or neither a boy

Something about that just hit me

And then the tv kept glowing harder 

Especially during the times on the bus listening to A Day To Remember or other pop punk music 

I knew deep down something wasn't right

That I knew the more I thought about it

The more I knew...

I'm not a girl

I don't want to be a girl

And I don't want to be seen as a girl

But I was scared

I was scared of what my partner at the time would think

What my friends would think 

One ex friend especially who snapped at someone for coming out as trans and wanting to get on T and that ex friend getting mad at them for it 

What my family would think

What the world would think

Things like non binary or genderfluid wasn't a conpect a lot of people understood back then

Especially since this was during the days of "hurr durr social justice warriors are so triggered and stoopid" a rabbit hole even i ended up down that i deeply regret (especially the gamergate shit....

Gross....)

I settled with "Androgyne" as my gender and still using she/her pronouns 

As a start of having both masc and fem characterises 

But overtime 

I decided to go with non-binary

Being neither male or female

And for a long time 

It felt right and still does to an extent 

However..... 

People still treated me as female

My partner at the time still saw as female or mentioned female stuff with his stories and me as said characters though I won't fault him too much for it now as it was a long time ago

My ex friend on the other hand....

And this where the dysphoria really kicked in and why i was scared to come out in the first place at all....

He really wanted me to talk to this person at the time who was a cis female going through trouble with someone at the time

And because of me being AFAB or "female" he wanted me to talk to her and help her

I said I was happy to help

But politely corrected him saying how I am not girl 

I am non-binary

And then he said it didn't matter 

I get he was talking about my biological sex 

But it still made me upset

I was happy to still help 

But I was just correct

Obviously this made me really upset

But I was told I was just "playing victim" 

This situation 

And how people treated those who were non binary or trans especially online 

And how my friends and some even  now ex friends (one irl ex friend I had especially was a huge bully and asshole...)

My family

Treated it

Made me realise

No one cared

No one would understand 

No one would bother even if I wanted to educate and politely correct them on my pronouns or gender

That I was a "female idiot" or I was a "she" to some

That to the internet and anti sjws

I was an attention seeker or playing pretend 

Or to another ex partner i had  i was an "it" (I give all my love to those who use it pronouns you are all amazing and I love how you turned something people use as bullying into something you can claim as your own 

I love you it pronoun users /platonic) 

It was in those moments in 2015 to 2019/2021

I had to burry my feelings of dysphoria and pain

That I had to hide the bleeding and scars I had in my heart

That  none of my feelings mattered 

That I had to mask as this perfect girl doll for everyone around me

That even if i was non-binary i had to accept people seeing me as a girl 

As a female

As a doll.... 

That the glow of light i had to turn off for the time being 

And let them go away hoping they would die 

And sure I was proud being non binary

But even back i messed up regarding transgender stuff 

Such as accidently outing someone a long time ago 

Not understanding certian things 

And other stupid things I probs said or did or regretted I can't think of at the top of my head 

It wasn't until 2019 

After cutting of my ex friend

I was slowly recovering from being buried in the ground 

That I was slowly coming out of my shell once more

That I was starting to feel more alive

It was around 2021 

Melbourne was in lockdown again 

And I was more in my own planet locked down again cause of the covid lockdowns in Melbourne and how strict they were

I was thinking of my character Dave again and how cool he was

And that's what i realised

Wait a minute 

I can be Dave

I AM DAVE

So I started slowly coming out as a transgender male 

A very scary yet understanding and beautiful process of getting out of the ground

Getting out of the shell

And bleeding out my real soul 

I did had feelings of if I was actually trans enough even now I still wonder if I am

Cause I knew my journey was a bit more odd compared to others 

And I was trapped to still wanting to be Nicola at times 

Although overtime

Dave as a name wasn't suiting me 

And it felt too bogan for me

So I went with the next best thing

Dewain 

Originally it was the name of an Sword Art Online character I made in the video game Lost Song on the ps4

And was also a elf character I made for trying out larp 

I went with Dewain cause at the time I was trying to find Celtic names

And apparently it meant song in Celtic

I loved music

I love songs

And I love singing 

So it was perfect

Sure it can also mean I could be the rock or other things (yes I don't mind the rock jokes or mountain dew jokes)

But i was still like fuck it

From that moment on

I felt more comfortable in my skin 

I felt more free

I felt more alive

However...

My ex friend (who for legal and safety reasons I can't mention names and a reminder i will remove comments if you know who I'm talking about please don't mention the name for my own safety and legal reasons) 

Was having none of it

He misgendered me even back when I was non-binary even when I first cut him off just cause of his issues with me

In fact he would misgender anyone who was trans he had issues with (Chris chan is debatable but that's another story we won't talk about.... but even then i still call that creepy motherfucker she regardless or better yet a motherfucking bitch AYEEE

)

A general statement by the way

I don't care how much you hate someone or the things they did

If you misgender someone 

It tells other trans people including myself that you are not a safe person to be around and that your not an ally to trans people full fucking stop

I don't care who you are

Whether your my friend 

An ex friend 

A stranger

Or even a pet rock or dog or cat 

Or even if your a tree

There is no excuse to misgender trans people on purpose or out of spite

NONE

It's extremely disrespectful and never fucking okay 

Anyway 

My ex friend when I first came out as trans was having none of it

And even said "stay out of my gender"

A funny yet confusing statement

Like lmao what the fuck bruh 

But it really proved my point at the time why i was scared to come out as fully trans in the first place because of attitudes like this

Not just with my ex friend

But with how the world seen trans people in general

And back in the anti sjw days

Even now I'm impressed how far I've gone and privileged and grateful I am for my friends

My family and the people around me who did support me and help me and accepted me

Sure there's still some people messing up my pronouns or still calling me she

Having to still educate people and help them understand better

Having to yeet other transphobes and fuckhead cunts out of my life 

But compared to the pain I felt years ago

It's great to finally feel more free and alive

Even getting top surgery has been I guess say a huge weight off my chest 

Although I forgot to mention in my top surgery blog how I did had to see a gender therapist named Juniper as well during my top surgery progress and she's one of the sweetest most gentle caring people I've ever met and she even helped me on sexual related topics as well 

Now the next part of my journey coming soon

Is seeing if I can take T or not 

Not that I will take it anytime soon as I am in no rush too as I still wanna do my cute anime girl uwu voices 

 But I'm mainly curious if I can take it or not due to blood clot genetics 

I'm hoping to legally change my gender to transgender male And maybe legally change my name to Dewain and only use my name Nicola for my koala oc and for NikoalaKuma in general

I don't hate the name Nicola don't get me wrong and its not exactly a deadname

I just prefer Dewain more 

But I'll still keep the name Nicola for my koala oc for my nans (on my mums side) sake as that's what she named me  and whether if nanny would of accepted me as trans or not (I don't know cause she passed away in 2006/2007) I still want something in memory of her for her and my mums sake 

I'm also hoping to competently remove my uterus 

And maybe donate or freeze whatever eggs I have inside to someone else who needs them if possible as I have no use for it

I have no interest in having kids

And I hate periods and mood swings still 

Sure i have the implanon/rod as my birth control for the time being 

But I still get spotting or other issues that sucks ass

Now as for bottom surgery

Yeah nah I'm good thanks and happy with a boy cunt/bussy/boy pussy 

Or using a packer 

Now the silly thing about me becoming more trans masc 

While also still non-binary as I feel that still suits me sometimes 

Is it ended up ironicly embracing more fem things better 

Especially the colour pink 

Fucking funny and ironic as fuck

But you know what

I don't care

Fuck gender roles

I'm gonna be a cute uwu queer femboy and nobody can stop me 

So overall

While my journey was rough at times

I'm so happy to finally be embracing and being my true self

I finally feel like a butterfly out of their cocoon and giving myself more love and care

It's rough coming out

But I promise to those still unsure it's worth it once you feel safe

Surround yourself with the right people

And surround yourself in the right communities 

Melbourne especially I'm happy i moved too and how lgbt friendly it is

Anyways

That's pretty much it

Later my dudes!~

( ≧∀≦)ノ