Been in hibernation still sort of am tbh

 

Yeah I know its been a while 
kind of been in hibernation from posting or doing a lot online lately 
mainly due to not just anxiety from whether I wanna stream or not again but just in general felt like just lowkey keeping to myself or only sharing stuff when I feel like it 
I have those moments in general it just happens I guess 

Still been having moments of feeling depressed at times and not looking forward to the hot weather coming up 

but things have also been good at times

I was on a week holiday in Gippsland recently and that went pretty well 
catching up with friends 
and finally getting the msi claw a8 just means I have to pay back mum a bit still but I'm sure I'll get over that hurdle and then hopefully save for an ssd for it or a mirco sd card 

so far its been a comfy experience finally gaming in bed for the summer 
and playing visual novels and other random stuff 
still need to copy stuff from google drive to transfer from my pc to the claw 
but its been great and can't wait for a more fun comfy experience without hurting my back on a chair too much XD


Also not to get too negative on this blog but there's been times I've been questioning my place in peoples lives and whether I fit in there or not 
and an outing while part of it was my fault granted at the same time really made me feel awful and thinking no matter how hard I try I always tend to mess up and make things worse for everyone around me even if I try to be responsible and do the right thing it just made me question why am I even here or are certain people only wanting me around so I don't get sad or cause problems 

but its people's choice whether they want me in their lives or not 
just this year in general has really made me less trusting and built up a wall a lot around me not just from being thrown away at the start of the year but also this incident as well which I do take partial responsibly for 
but at the same time I question whether people actually like or want my company or not its probs just my own head fucking with me as per usual but who knows... 


I'm just sick of getting hurt or accidently or unintentionally hurting others 


I will say pax 2025 was a success in October 
NO TUMMY ISSUES FOR ONE WHICH IS A BIG DEAL!! 
I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY ABOUT THAT 

Getting to chat a little with some people and saying hello to old and new friends and trying fun games like doggy don't care for an example 

and Pax really helped me build down my wall a bit which made me really happy it was just what I needed being surrounded by a wonderful joyful great con with great people and a wonderful community of gamers and artists and devlopers of all types 

I hope the time I am ready (whenever that will be)
I will get over this current social anxiety I have 
maybe try to talk to people a little bit more even if its just saying hello at Tyler's milk bar 
and get better with my social skills maybe 
and keep on trying and trying is all that matters 
no matter how many times I fall I will try and get back up again 


I really wanna get back to more blogging again soon especially about the things that make me happy instead of things that piss me off or annoy me or make me sad
though when I feel like a spicy rant I am sure I will make it silly or throw in a ha ha funee depending on the subject of course 
like labubu dubai chocolate yeaaaah (lol jk) 


I do apologize to any of my friends or any fellow readers that I've worried or concerned with me keeping to myself I promise its nothing personal and its just me liking to be in my own planet or do my own thing sometimes or not always having the social spoons 


but I hope when I am ready I'll be back better then ever in my own time 

thats all for now 
I guess stay tuned for hopefully more blogs soon once I know what I wanna feel like writing or have in my backlog/notes 

later my dudes