And always enjoyed and loved my birthday
And being surrounded by the people I love and care for or going to fun things
I mean I'll be seeing sonic 3 on my birthday and then having maccas with my friends in Gippsland
I should be happy about it
And don't get me wrong I'm excited for the event and a fun time with family my partner and my friends
But the fact I'm near the end of my 20s????
That I'll be 29???
Even though I don't act like it in the slightest
I feel dread
I feel pressure
I feel fear and worry
To be expected to act a certian way or to walk on eggshells in society and life
As much as I am cringe but free
Forever a child at heart
People's words especially from those i cared about still hurt
I hate hurting people
I hate upsetting people
I hate causing unintentional trouble
I hate this massive aniexty of socalising and and being around others or meeting new people
Even talking to people can be exhausting
Somedays I felt even due to my own behaviour over the years
That I'm better off alone
Isolated
And away from the world and in my own planet
Socialising with other people is scary
Friendships and relationships are way more complex and complicated
And I just by the time I'm 30 to be filled with love for myself
Not caring what others think
Still feeling love and joy for the things I loved
I promised myself I wasn't gonna be depressed or feel awful about turning 30
But I don't even know if I will keep this promise or not....
It's always around the night time things feel more sad and filled with sorrow at times
I'm just tired I guess
But I do genuinely do look forward to sonic 3 on my birthday with the people I care for and love
I just hope people do actually care about me
Cause the last thing I want is people only around me just so I'm not sad
Either be real with me
Or fuck off at this point
Anyway that's enough night time rambling
Time to listen to edgy sad music
Later my dudes
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